‘khda:ia: (happy)

himsimlie min Ya’Allah gaw shimsha. kulmindi gaw khiali, pishti nokhta min qapil deit Ya’Allah. (I spoke to God in the sunshine. everything in my mind, I became restful from the embrace/hug of God).

bidanekharaye, pishli kah batnasha lewin. Iwan kah batnasha khdaia, ‘u iwan kah batnasha min raba saghiiuta tana zarapat kulit diyih (the days before[recently], I became a woman I am not [negative], and I am a woman of lots of big multitudes loud strong speaking but not angry elegant tactful witty humor all of my own.) not the best sentence to describe what i’m trying to say, but.

I recently found myself, after a series of unfortunate events. I was in the kitchen last night, and felt the release. I danced under the moonlight with God. I cooked beautiful Assyrian vegan food, and ate it happily. It was an American Assyrian dish, kind of. I grew up loving the Chicago KFC’s on Peterson, when we would go to visit or sleepover at Grandmas + the whole family’s house.

Recently, those memories fill up the pain of my own grief that I feel lately. Lately I plan how to make vegan Assyrian cookies, am preparing to making evaporated milk for classic Assyrian Iraqi chai, and laugh about the fact that Iraqi Assyrians are so addicted to chai with lots of sugar because we love it so much.

I’m writing a paper on Middle Eastern music, but with a strong emphasis on Assyrian music: essentially, talking about the Assyrian diaspora that I have to face daily through the writing of remembering that I cannot lose my roots in this lifetime. I study and speak Assyrian as much as possible, in order to gain my confidence in spoken Assyrian: so I challenge myself to write Assyrian poetry + making Assyrian music as much as possible.

I taught myself production again for the past couple of years, because I used to produce acid house when I was younger. I would post it on Soundcloud, when soundcloud was still free. I guess some people still remember the beats I would make on my iphone in like 2013, on my old soundcloud account as well. I’ve been a classical musician my whole life, and have been reteaching myself a lot of things after my car accident.

Because of the car accident, and drug use I would take because I thought I could find healing in the forms of drugs. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar. I’ve had to go through bullying, and horrible things in my life. I mention these things not from sadness, but the fact that I’m so happy that I just get to have my original normal diagnosis back. I know I have OCD, ADD, and that’s it. yes, my diagnosis is CPTSD as well, but that can be managed and healed. when I was diagnosed falsely as bipolar, and the medication wasn’t working: I would have to do lithium tests and the lithium became poisionous to my system. I felt like I was going to die. nothing was working. and it was because, I’m not mentally ill.

I know i’ve gone through a lot in this life, and have had to be leaning on God’s shoulder. but I’m always going to lean on God’s shoulder. it feels like I beat cancer somethimes a lot throughout my life. being mis-diagnosed as bipolar was like being diagnosed with cancer. in reality, I had been hit by a near-fatal car accident a day before I started community college the morning after I did a successful photography art show display in a group art show. I was on the way back home to my parents, I was living bordeline two places at once. and my Honda civic, from the 2000s, which was so pretty to me. I loved how small was. kept having brake problems that wouldn’t get fixed even when we would fix it. I thought the breaks were fixed, and I was speeding at 70 miles per hour on the highway: which was normal on the highway in Chicago or the suburbs sometimes. and I couldn’t stop. my brakes just happened to cut, as soon as traffick slowed down and it was like LA traffic. I went to the side of the road to slow down, and save myself + others. and someone fucking hit me, when in the safe lane, and then I took the blame while in a concussion.

they took me to the hospital, and said I had a concussion. from there, I had a horrible personality change, was taking drugs out of confusion, and trying to heal from an awful mess of having survived.

none of that was the appropriate care, and I got mis-diagnosed. my diagnosis has recently been changed, and I now have CPTSD. it feels like I beat cancer.

years of my life have been taken by this, but lately I have been healing. I barely take any medication anymore: my mental health has been the best it’s been in years, despite mourning my family member the past year from cancer. and I feel so grateful. because a misdiagnosis, is hell-sent. if it wasn’t for me keeping on saying that there was nothing wrong with me, I would have never healed.

now, I get to paint again. yes, do I get triggered sometimes because of the CPTSD? yes. i’m learning how to control the impusles controlled by CPTSD. but you can heal CPTSD. you don’t need to be in therapy for life, for anxiety and depression. i’ve been put in therapy against my will for so long. at one point, i’m going to heal.

but till then. i’m happy being in therapy, and healing + respecting professional help. I’ll get there. just not today. one step at a time.

always trust the initial diagnosis people give you. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, and ADD at the time. first, it was only ADD. so I trust that it was only ADD and an OCD blend from the anxiety I would have to go through in the circumstances that would trigger OCD from the anxiety I felt from ADD not being managed. and I took medication for it, and it was well managed, I was able to go to school, and be able to have friends + shine. I’ve had to go through a lot in this life.

my mental health is way better, and I’m doing really well right now back in school. despite the fact that there’s a lot happening rn, it’s starting to feel better.

I know that my mental health’s core manifestation, with the ADD, that spiraled into the wrong diagnoses and lists of diangoses: is that i’m simply an artist, who thinks and learns differently. and from that, if i’m not accommodated, then it spirals into anxiety: which then further manifests the depression, the anger, the trauma relieving.

I’m that person who was entirely mis-diganosed. and as soon as I started to speak up, and say that hey: this isn’t true, I literally am not mentally ill. I coped with drugs to get through horrible things that scarred me. everything has made me relax.

and it’s healed my anxiety. and I don’t feel depressed, or anxious, or OCD, like I used to.

my core diangosis was ADD, but then again: even that, I’m just an artist. I was meant to paint all day. I learn differently. I’m a smart woman. I’ve always done brilliantly in Language Arts, with above average comprehension scores, and was supposed to be in the gifted program when I was young for art. I also scored highly in history. but drugs ruined that, but throughout the years I built my way up from community college to the college I have been trying to go when my hs counselor proposed this specific school for me. it was hard, I got there, but.

you’re not mentally ill. people just use mental health against others who are neurotypical. stop believing others. know who you are. and don’t let people use your differences as a highly gifted artist, and above average language reading level as a weaponized tool because you are gifted + meant to stand out.

I feel like I beat cancer in beating multiple mis-diangoses. there is nothing wrong with me, and i’m not mentally ill. despite healing CPTSD right now, from the flashbacks and waking up particularly this morning with nightmares + sweating: which used to be normal every night for years. now, I don’t wake up in sweats. did I wake up in sweats, and praying to Mother Mary with the water flowing as soon as I woke up? yes. I did that, in order for the nightmare to be washed away by Mut Maryiam.

if an Assyrian, when driving me to a dual-diagnosis program for a rehab that got me finally legal sober: didn’t tell me that i’m not mentally ill, I would have never been able to beat “cancer”. he told me to pray, and I did, and the diagnosis changed.

God is good. God is so great. don’t believe the wrong things that people place onto you. I currently have to take an epilepsy medication for the CPTSD, because the PTSD looked like bipolar in the early stages of my concussion mixed highly pure potent drugs.

I got saved from negativeg ways of coping, and that’s all that matters.

embrace your differences, and believe that God will heal all mental health illnesses: I happen to be a bad story of an extreme misdiagnosis, but the baby dose of the epilepsy medication for CPTSD has me living life pre-diagnosis and i’m almost medication free. because of the accidents, multiple near death accidents, it caused me concussions. so. this keeps me good for now, even though medication in general makes me sick because it doesn’t align with my diagnosis.

anyways, i’m getting great grades so far. and i’m praying for a great semester ending. I get to move to another country soon. and I’m happy again, that i’m living without mental illness so to speak, despite maintenance: and am healing, even better than I thought I would years ago. and I feel so free, having came back to myself.

this was inspired, by the way that I felt myself loving myself again yesterday: without makeup, with my haired-tied, a big t-shirt, some shorts, and cooking Assyrian American Iraqi food. i’m so happy that the prayers someone told me to pray in my community, worked. random people would tell me that i’m not bipolar, and would tell me to pray. and mysteriously, it has worked.

keep the faith. ❤my body has been healing, resting, and restoring lately. i’m excited for summer, and i’m excited for this new chapter of my life: feeling free from mental illness. despite having to manage the effects of CPTSD. that doesn’t mean that i’m mentally ill at all, but it means that i’m undoing the effects of extreme physical/psychological trauma having been done to me.

so everyday, I practice art self-healing: and art therapy is extremely helpful in people with near-fatal car-accidents that took away everything from them.

I have my laughter and cognitability back. i’m starting to remember pieces and bits of my life, again. i’m started to gain back my big room laughter, happiness, and am able to socialize + be in public again. I feel like I gained my life back.

I can’t wait to continue to be in school, and receive my PHD for art therapy in the forthcoming years. I can’t wait to be Dr. Alana, for people who have been in my position. I’m so much closer than I think.

stay blessed. God will heal you. keep the hope. I thought it was impossible. but God turned around everything, and I am happy + healthy now. I just know I’m meant to be an artist healer in this life. I get so excited looking at PHD programs for the future.

I can’t wait to show you my progress. despite the fact that life has happened to me, I know how to positively cope now. + the care, and the love, I need. stay positive. ❤ believe in God❤ and love your Godsend tribe/family he has given to you from heaven’s arms. we only have one life to live. so live your best life, abundantly. ❤ stay in God’s presence.

-your local Iraqi Assyrian Indigenous Tribal American who is happy about the turn around!! ❤