delete and try again
it’s been a mood where. if it’s not to my standards, and the quality is low: delete, and try again. whatever it may be. you always have the ability to try again, and find your voice all over again. don’t let people tell you that you are a wasteland. you are free to exist without being a beacon of trying to be something you are not, in the realm of trying to fit society’s eyes or even palettes. you are allowed to withdraw. you are allowed to do your own thing. if society says something is cool, but it’s not cool by me: I’m just not going to do it. that doesn’t mean that someone is holier than thou, but it means that what isn’t your taste isn’t your taste.
so I delete and try again. the past versions of myself that I don’t like? I update, delete, and try again. if the update doesn’t work, it’s a clean slate. I can’t be the past. I can’t go back to the past, and try and fix whatever it is. the present is a present, and it’s all that we have. crucifying yourself for your past mistakes is something that will drain the living soul out of you. whenever people try to bring up your past mistakes, or your past character: tell them, my sins are white as snow. my past is white as snow. I refuse to identify with an old me that didn’t know any better, and if they did: they did the best with what they had.
sometimes people project their own crucification and fixate on us, for what they deem perfect in their eyes onto us. I can’t be what you deem as a “good woman” or even down to career, or lifestyle. i’m just doing me. and if there isn’t that profound respect for: “we don’t all need to live alike, and we’re doing our best,” than i’m not going to take the critisicm. people want you to be ashamed for being different, or having lived outside of their standards. that might not be my standard. and I refuse to be martyr’d for your vision of me, and what you deem perfect. I’m allowed to be my own person, and think/act/feel whatever I deem as good for me. what the consequences are, they are. but policing everyone’s every move is.
don’t you get exhausted? of policing others? or do you want to live your own life?
that’s why when I do something or mess up that maybe weren’t really fit for me: “i’m human.” and then you take responsibility. you know better next time. it’s the confidence to make the right decisions. or maybe you judged right, but got fooled by what you thought was the right judgement. people can wear masks.
delete and try again. if it’s not your standards. it’s either elevating you, or hindering you. put it to your standards, or nothing at all. this is your life. live it, explore it, and so be it the way that makes God comfortable.
